


Lonely Love

by Chocobonana



Series: Imagine If Tetsuhiro and Souichi Were in a Mature and Loving Relationship [1]
Category: Koi Suru Bou-kun | The Tyrant Falls in Love
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-09 21:14:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1150858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chocobonana/pseuds/Chocobonana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of Tetsuhiro and Souichi before they met and how their love for each other is ultimately what will help heal their past wounds. </p>
<p>{Trigger warnings will be listed by chapter}</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Dark Woods {Tetsuhiro}

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I'm migrating some of my fan fiction to this site so I can fully express the power of the scenes. I hope your enjoy reading this.

**Trigger Warnings:** Sexual abuse.

* * *

 

Masaki slit his wrists four days after we broke up. Four days… I'll always remember. I'll remember because my life went straight to hell after that.

He didn't die but everyone blamed me for what happened. Soon it started to circulate that I was the gay lech who'd seduced him and quickly broken his heart. Everyone in the town now knew I was gay, everyone… including my parents. If I'd thought I was a stranger in my own home before then well, I was now an outcast. My father used every passing moment to express his severe disappointment and my mother wouldn't even talk to me. It should have hurt more but I'd been prepared for their nagging I guess.

School became a nightmare: my friends deserted me and the teachers treated me differently from everyone else. No-one wanted to have anything to do with me… I was a plague on the town and depression had become my only companion.

I hated it. I hated everyone. I hated everything. I hated my parents for not listening to me, I hated my brother for not being there for me, I hated Masaki for abandoning me, and, most of all, I hated myself for being gay. I guess I could have called myself suicidal but I wasn't going down that road. I wasn't going to let them have their pleasure of getting rid of me like that. I wasn't going down without a fight. If my parents had thought me to be a rebel then I was to be an even bigger one.

I lived each day with defiance. I got married to the night and didn't give a single fuck what anyone thought. My motto was simple: if it had a dick and was hot, I fucked it. Word soon got out that I'd switched to the wild side and people expressed even more dissatisfaction but I still gave no shits. I made them squirm in shame when they saw me, they'd told me I should be ashamed of what I am but I didn't care. What more could they do to me? They'd already taken away so much – my family hated me and I had no-one to talk to. Although for a short time I regained my self-confidence, it wasn't long before they shattered me again…

Tuesday afternoon after gym class…Coach Kurou had told me to stay back afterwards. I waited in locker rooms after I'd changed into my gakuran, wondering what the old fart wanted with me. After waiting a little he showed up with a smile on his face.

"What do you want old man?"

He moved closer to me, still wearing his smug smile, "Rude aren't you?"

"Well you're keeping me after class, I want to go home."

He crossed his arms, "Go home? Don't you mean, 'Go out to fuck as many guys as possible'?"

"Are you jealous?"

Then he moved in close, too close. He stared down at me for a long time, still smiling, it was a sinister smile. I held his gaze, I wasn't scared of him, I wasn't going to let him think I was weak… looking back on it now, a part of me wishes I'd just quit my strong act and ran away…

He grabbed my crotch and squeezed hard. I yelped and stood there, frozen in shock and disbelief. Coach Kurou pulled his face close to mine and planted a kiss on my forehead while his hands undid my belt buckle. I felt tears well up in my eyes and I grew ashamed of myself: I wanted to fight back, I wanted to swing at him and make him feel sorry for ever thinking he could cross me, yet all I did was stand there and cry.

He looked into my eyes and smiled again. "What's wrong Tetsuhiro? I thought this was what you liked to do?"

I moved back, away from him. I felt sick. I wanted to throw up. Why? Why? What the fuck was wrong with these people?

"I-I-I never said that you fucking idiot!"

My words wiped the smile off his smug face and he pushed me onto the locker room floor. I stared up at him, terrified of what was to happen next. He looked down at me with disdain, his lip curled in absolute disgust.

I wanted to scream in fear but my voice was chocked down and withered. My head and my heart were pounding. I felt trapped and I couldn't breathe.

He straddled me and grabbed my neck with both his hands and squeezed lightly. He stared at me with an expressionless face and then spat on the floor next to my head. I will never forget what he said afterwards. He said, "I'll let you go for now you little faggot, but remember – you brought all this on yourself."

His words haunted me. They still do. I didn't leave the locker room long after he'd gone. I remained on the floor, crying silently. I didn't get home till very late. When I walked through the door my brother was waiting for me in the living room. He looked me up and down and sneered, "I hope you didn't bring anything back with you."

I slapped him across the face. I'd had enough of these people. I'd had enough. I think that had been the final turning point in my life and I'd come to the realization that I was going to have no life in this fucking town and needed to get out before it turned me into a monster.

Going to university was my only escape option and I wasn't going to let it slip. I tamed my wild night life just in time for college entrance exams. I didn't care what college I got into as long as it was as far as fucking possible from my hometown.

As luck would have it I got into Nagoya University. I didn't have anyone to say goodbye to. I didn't have anyone that I'd miss. I can remember, as the train pulled out of the station, I looked at my hometown and my eyes welled with tears and I started crying silently. I didn't want to take this pain with me; I wanted to leave my tears on the train, a symbol of the start of my new life away from that hell of a hometown.


	2. Teardrops Fall South {Souichi}

**Trigger Warnings:**  Suicide.

* * *

 

My mother died shortly before my high school graduation. She'd slipped and fallen down a dimly-lit flight of stairs while walking home one night. A part of me hollowed out when my father told me what had happened. Everyone thought that I'd be the first of her children to join her. I was devastated.

I shut myself out from the rest of the world. I spent my time buried in books and charts of all sorts. I focused on trying to solve equations that had no answers and didn't care that I was going in circles and getting nowhere. My father did not know how to handle his own grief, let alone mine, my brother's, or my sister's. He left me to do as I pleased hoping that I'd recover at my own pace but instead, I feel more into despair.

The climax came when I fashioned a noose out of a bed sheet I'd ripped to shreds. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. My mother had meant everything to me. I'd learnt my smart-ass ways from her; I loved her for her take-no-bullshit attitude. My father was too much of a push-over; my mother was the one I'd idolized.

I stood there, contemplating all the things that would follow afterwards and I didn't know who I was anymore. All I wanted to do was go see my mother again. I placed the noose around my neck and prepared to jump. I don't know how but my father suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He cut the sheet and I fell onto my back.

I'd never seen his face so red. He had tears in his eyes. He slapped me across the face twice and hugged me tightly. He didn't say a word; he just hugged me and sobbed. I think that was when I realized how much he needed me.

The next day he came up to my room to see if I was OK.

"How're you holding up?"

He'd sat on my bed while I was on the floor, surrounded by several stacks of books and whatever else I needed to keep my mind off things. I didn't look up at him, I didn't acknowledge his question, I gave no answer in response.

He sighed and looked at me. I didn't acknowledge his gaze; I just stared into my book, pretending I was elsewhere.

"Sou-kun…"

I stared harder at my book.

"Sou-kun, Hana's death has affected everyone – "

I felt my eyes sting: the tears were starting to pool.

"– but that's not what she would have wanted. You know that."

A tear fell onto the page of the book I was holding.

"Sou-kun. I love you dearly. Please don't leave us. We need you."

My father got off the bed and hugged me. I buried my face in his chest and cried silently. I don't know how much time had passed, I didn't care. I needed to cry out my pain. I missed her so much.

After what felt like a lifetime, I stopped crying, wiped my tears, and returned to my book. My father patted me on the head and remained next to me. He started asking me questions about the various books I had lying around and I answered them. He seemed happy that I was talking to him and it made me feel slightly better.

He mentioned my hair, "You're growing it out?"

I winced and didn't respond. He stared at me and let out a light chuckle and patted me on the back.

"I can remember when I was your age; I didn't want to get my hair cut either."

He ruffled my hair and then got off the floor, "Come down soon, lunch will probably be ready in a bit."

He walked out of the room and shut the door slowly behind him. I couldn't tell if he'd guessed it and I didn't want to think about it. I returned to my books and tried not to think about anything.

* * *

People have told me that I'm an exemplary man. They've told me that I'm extraordinary and will go very far in life. I don't like it when they say that. They blow everything up and make it look like I was a child prodigy or something. If you do one good thing, people will constantly hold you to it. I don't want to be held to any standard… I'm not a god.

I'm nothing special. Sure, in high school I got really good grades and was a good student but that was it. I didn't have any friends so I didn't have anyone to distract me from school. I think it's the saddest thing about me.

When puberty hit my face broke out a lot. It was embarrassing. It was even more embarrassing since I was already the quiet hermit kid. I could never tell if people feared me or were just repulsed by me: although my pimples and shyness branded me as the "weird kid," I  _did_  once beat up a bully who'd been bothering Tomoe and gained the silent respect of the delinquents in my school. I once overheard a bunch of my classmates saying that I would have been really popular if not for my pizza face and odd personality.

To sum everything up, high school had been a very awkward chapter in my life. I wish the ending note had been different but I can't rewrite time, I can only move forward and right now Nagoya University beckons.

My father was so proud when I got in. He grabbed me and kissed me on both my cheeks and gave me a noogie… my father is a very interesting man, to say the least.

That had been the first night I had alcohol. He handed me a can of beer and said, "Here you go son, as far as I'm concerned, you deserve it."

It tasted horrible. I winced as it went down.

"Don't worry," he said with a chuckle, "You'll find one you like."

My father departed with his research team soon after the start of my school year. They'd postponed the trip because of my mother's passing and he'd wanted me to get settled in before he ventured off. He asked me so many questions before he left, I told him I was going to be OK and so would Tomoe and Kanako.

"I'm proud of you, you know," he said, "You've grown up so much."

I managed a small smile and sighed; he always got soppy and sentimental.

"I think our luck is getting better: the pimples on your face are clearing up!" He let out a loud laugh after he said that. I gave him the side eye; he liked to make stupid jokes like that.

"Looking at you with that ponytail makes me think I'm looking at myself a couple of years ago."

I smirked, "Wanting to return to your prime?"

My father laughed, "No. Heavens, no. I'm just amazed at how much you look like me."

"Well you  _did_  name me after you."

He smiled, "But you have Hana's hairline."

I responded with a sad smile. He gave me his final parting hug and left. He slide the door shut behind him and I was left standing in an empty house. I played with my shoulder-length ponytail, wondering why my father was so keen on my hair.


	3. Love? {Tetsuhiro}

I've been in Nagoya for nearly a month and nothing seems to have changed. I still find myself crying in the shower before bed, sometimes I can't eat; it's like the horror has followed me here. It's agonizing.

I tried to reawaken my avid night life but found it to be more exhausting than fulfilling. It took too much work to seek out guys I liked and fucking a bunch of nameless and faceless guys wasn't going to make me forget about Masaki.

Of course it hasn't been all bad; I did meet Hiroto-kun. He works at a gay bar and he came to my rescue after a failed cruising attempt. He'd seen me looking miserable and quickly came over. He's more than a little chatty and we ended up talking the entire night. Hiroto-kun is something; he's very different from a lot of the guys I know.

The best word to use to describe him is… colorful. He frequently dyes his hair bright auburn, he's always dressed to impress and I've never seen so many ear piercings on a man. He's unapologetically campy and there's no mistaking that he's gay. I envy him: he lives so full and free about his sexuality. I find myself quite drawn to him: he's easy to talk to and right now he's the only one who knows I'm gay. I guess I could call him the first person I've been truly honest with since I got here.

"Angel-kun, you look down again."

I look up from my drink. Hiroto-kun is hovering over me. I am seated at the bar on a Monday evening, slowly sipping my sorrows. I give Hiroto a fake smile and sigh, "There's nothing I can do about it."

He refills my glass, "Would you like to talk about it?"

I shake my head slowly and stare down at my glass again.

"You know I'm here for you, Angel-kun."

I feel a tear in my eye, "Yeah, thanks."

"I'm almost done with my shift, would you like to walk with me to the train station?"

I give him a small smile then get up to wait outside the bar. After a few minutes, he emerges and we make our way towards the train station.

"So are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"

I squirm, "I don't want to talk about it."

He sighs and looks at me for a few paces. I look back at him; he wears a worried look on his face. Why is he so worried about me? We haven't known each other that long, he really shouldn't care that much.

We continue the walk in absolute silence. After a few paces, he tries to lighten the mood with his dirty anecdotes. Hiroto-kun is always brimming with stories of lusty men who think their local gay bar also doubles as a brothel. He knows I find these stories funny, but at this moment I cannot bring myself to find humor in anything at all. Hiroto-kun's storytelling dampers when he notices that I am not interested. We return to the silence.

We reach the train station and wait for the trains to arrive. Hiroto-kun looks at me just as mine is pulling into the station.

"Angel-kun, I don't know what happened to you in the past," he inches closer to me, "But I'm here for you if you need me," he plants a kiss on my cheek and gives me a sad smile.

I stare at him, my face heats up and I am speechless. The doors slide open and I quickly board the train, he waves good-bye and I sheepishly do the same.

* * *

I got a text from Hiroto-kun before I headed out to class; he wanted to know how I was. I didn't respond; I couldn't think of anything to text back. If he gives me shit for it later, I'll tell him I forgot my phone in my apartment because I was in a hurry.

I sigh. The library feels so empty today. I flip through the pages of the book in front of me;  _just how many chapters am I supposed to cover_? I came here to study but now I don't even want to do this stupid reading. I'd thought coming to Nagoya would bring me freedom but instead, here I am, chained down by school, work and my past. I put my head on the desk and close my eyes briefly.

I quickly scan the room: seriously, why are there so few people in here? I thought people in top universities studied till their eyes fell out. I hear a page being turned in the distance and nonchalantly glance over to see who else is in the library with me.

Seated at a study desk not too far from mine is a man. He wears a serious expression on his handsome face as he stares intently into the book he is absorbing. His full-head of black hair is in a messy ponytail that falls down to about the middle of his back. I notice a slight stubble on his face and a tired look in his eyes; his body is drowned out of sight by a large black hoodie. He takes off his round frame glasses to rub his face and then quickly returns to his book.

I stare at him and feel my heart flutter and my ears grow hot. Why hadn't I seen him earlier? He doesn't notice my gaze and I'm happy about that: I probably look like a drooling horned-out schoolboy. My mouth dries out and I try to swallow, I clear my throat and my sudden noise draws his attention. He looks up from his book to see me staring and I quickly turn my head down to my desk. I shove my belongings into my backpack and make my exit. My face is burning red and my heart is pounding in my chest. I can remember feeling this way once before…

* * *

"Angel-kun, it's so good to see you smiling again," Hiroto-kun takes another sip from his glass and grins.

I chuckle and place my glass to my lips.

"So," he begins, "Tell me about him."

"Who?"

"Don't be cute with me," he places his drink on the counter, "You met someone."

I smile and my face reddens, "No I didn't."

Hiroto-kun pouts and raises an eyebrow. I chuckle and take a slow sip. He squints at me, trying to bore into my soul to get the answers.

"I'm telling the truth," I plead.

"Mmmhmm," he retorts disbelievingly, "Then explain all the smiling and blushing you've been doing when a week ago you looked like a boat lost in a storm."

"Believe me, Hiroto-kun; I haven't met anyoneone, besides… it's only a crush."

Hiroto-kun's face lights up, "So you did meet someone! Tell me EVERYTHING!"

I blush, "His name is… Tatsumi-senpai –"

I tell Hiroto-kun about how I met the handsome man in the library and butterflies fluttered through my stomach. I also mention how I've seen him several times around campus and haven't been able to say anything to him because I'm always lost for words.

"That's so cute, Angel-kun," squeals Hiroto-kun. He is beaming all over, "So when are you –"

"It's just a crush," I quickly interrupt, "Besides, he's probably straight."

I stare at the ice in my glass. It has to be nothing more than a crush; what else would it be? It still hurts to think about love, after what happened with Masaki. No, it's too early for me to be thinking about love.

"Angel-kun?"

I glance at Hiroto-kun, he has a concerned look on his face and his dark eyes are staring deeply into mine.

"Hiroto-kun, do you like me?" I ask sheepishly.

Hiroto-kun smiles, "Who wouldn't like a man like you? You have a handsome boyish face, a thick muscular body and I just can't imagine what your cock must look like."

"Hiroto-kun!" I feel my face turn a deep shade of red. I quickly look around, praying no-one just heard what he said.

"What? Too much?"

"Yes," I reply, "Too much."

We both chuckle for a short time and then sit in silence. I can hear the other patrons going about their merry ways, seeming to have no problems whatsoever; I wonder if I ever look that way to other people. I mull over Hiroto-kun's description of me, what do people think when they see me? I interrupt my thoughts to quickly return to the matter at hand.

"If you like me then why are you urging me to go after Tatsumi-senpai?"

Hiroto-kun smiles and leans in closer to me. He gently plays with my short black hair and says, "Because I know you don't like me that way and I want you to be happy."

He places his arms around me and we hug. He breaks the hug and kisses me on the cheek. I give him a shocked look.

"What?" He says, "That's how I greet my close friends."

We both chuckle and I smile to myself. For the first time, I can't help thinking that things  _may_ just turn out OK.


	4. Unfair {Souichi}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: sexual assault
> 
> I might have lost all my readers considering the length of my *ahem* "hiatus." Please enjoy this new chapter anyway.
> 
> Please Note: I know that Takanaga Hinako made an extra chapter (it was included with one of the Koisuru Boukun OVAs) where she mentions the name of the Assistant (Associate) Professor who assaulted Tatsumi-senpai but I can't find it and I don't remember the name thus he shall be called Professor Fukushima.
> 
> EDIT (2-24-2015) - So it turns out I'd written the Professor's name down somewhere in my drafts and his name is actually Miyoshi. I've made the change now.

> _People make me nervous. It’s been my reality since middle school. I keep quiet about it and put on a bold face. But maybe… maybe I’ve had good reason to be anxious of others._

“Tatsumi-kun, has anyone ever told you you’re a very handsome man?” Professor Miyoshi says while I rinse out the test tubes.

I raise my eyebrows, puzzled by his weird question, “Whatever do you mean by that, sir?”

He places his hands on his hips and inches closer to me standing by the sinks. He gets really close to my face and smiles, “Don’t be shy Tatsumi-kun, there’s no need to be bashful about being handsome.”

My face begins to flush red and I quickly turn back to face what I’d been doing, hopefully, if I ignore him he will back away. Unfortunately, Professor Miyoshi instead crosses his arms and leans back on the counter.

“Tatsumi-kun, it’s so cute how easily flustered you get.”

I respond with a dry laugh, “Flustered? That’s hardly the word to describe how I feel. I just think you’re being a little inappropriate right now.”

“How so?”

“Well,” I elaborate, “I am still a student, and I feel that what you’re doing is borderline flirting. Please respect my personal space.”

I rinse out the last test tube and turn off the tap. Hopefully my little speech will be enough to make him back off. Professor Miyoshi has always been a bit of an oddity in the Agricultural Department. When I first arrived at Nagoya University, he’d beelined to me and practically demanded that I become his protégé. I accepted, of course, he’s a well-respected man in the field and I felt there was a lot I could learn from him. He would often keep me late in the lab and have me visit him during the weekends, not that I minded of course, research is the most interesting part of my life and nothing can ever compare to the thrill of discovery. Professor Miyoshi has taught me a lot, and he’s what I would have considered my first friend on the campus (although I use the term “friend” very loosely), but lately, he’s been acting more weird than usual. He’s grown a fondness for playing with my hair, giving lingering touches, and making comments about how I look. I tend to shrug it off just because I don’t really care too much, but he’s becoming a bit of a nuisance. Almost like that guy from the library the other day, but he wasn’t really a nuisance...

“Tatsumi-kun,” Professor Miyoshi suddenly interrupts my train of thought, “You seem more out of it than usual.”

“Out of it?”

Professor Miyoshi chuckles, “You’ve always been one to spend more time in your head than anything else. You’re a deep thinker, that’s what I like about you.”

“T-Thanks.”

“So, what’s on Tatsumi-kun’s mind?”

“Nothing really. It’s just there was some weird guy in the library the other day.”

Professor Miyoshi’s tone dipped, “Oh. Is that so.? What happened?”

I stare at Professor Miyoshi for a bit. His countenance has taken a complete one-eighty. His jovial friendly tone from earlier has disappeared and the smile on his face seems much darker than usual. I do not understand the change in his mood, but I oblige him nonetheless with the story he asked for.

“Well,” I begin, “I was in the main library trying to sort out the data that you’d given me and some guy was staring at me. His face was bright red, he almost looked like a puppy.”

I think back to that day, the guy really did remind me of a puppy. Even though he’d left in a hurry (most likely embarrassed that I’d caught him staring), I can remember exactly what he looked like. He had short pitch black hair (well, if someone were to judge it by guy’s hair standards, it would be long, but considering my mid-back length ponytail, it’s short), and his looks exuded a certain boyish charm despite being a very large man. He looked like a first year student.

Professor Miyoshi places his arm on my left shoulder, startling me. He clears his throat, “So it seems that I’m not the only one who notices you.”

I stare at him, “Excuse me?”

He grabs me by my shoulders and stares wildly into my eyes, “Tatsumi-kun, I refuse! You can’t be with any other man but me.”

I push Professor Miyoshi backwards in a fit of panic, he falls to the ground. Any other man but him! What is he talking about? The language he’s using is implying that we have a romantic relationship. He’s been nothing more than my professor! What was this all of a sudden?

Professor Miyoshi gets off the floor and makes his way towards me, “Tatsumi-kun!” he yells as he grabs me and forces me into a crushing hug. I struggle to pull him off me but his weight and his strength are just far too overwhelming to fight against. He pushes us both to the floor and straddles me, preventing all means of escape. My head is spinning, I want to scream but I know that nobody will hear me – the school is practically deserted at this late hour.

He begins to undress me, buttoning down my shirt and planting little kisses on my exposed skin.

“Your skin is so soft, Tatsumi-kun,” he says in between each kiss.

I scream for him to stop and try to punch him but he grabs my fist and stops the blow. He smiles coyly, “Tatsumi-kun, aren’t you seeking an assistant professor position in this field? I’m sure you know I’ll be the one in charge of you, so I suggest that you use this to your advantage. Don’t you think that’ll be a good idea?”

“I’m not trying to sleep my way to the top!” I lash at him, finally more angered than scared.

Professor Miyoshi laughs darkly, “You know, Tatsumi-kun, your face looks so beautiful when it’s bright red. Show me more of it!” He grabs hold of my neck and squeezes tightly with the same firm grip that kept me trapped underneath him. “You know,” he says, “A bright red face is no different from an erect penis, isn’t it fascinating? Can you feel mine Tatsumi-kun? It’s all just for you!”

“You sick bastard,” I manage to say. I try to force him off me but no matter how hard I fight, he won’t let go. This man really wants to kill me. I feel tears wells in my eyes, what a dishonorable way to die. Just like how my mother had gone…


	5. Monsters of Men {Tetsuhiro}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault.
> 
> So err... how's everybody doing?

The night sky looks so calm. I am sitting in the library accomplishing none of what I'd set out to do in the first place. I read somewhere that the best thing to do when you're overwhelmed with emotion is to bury yourself in work – tasks to take your mind off the thing that's eating you inside. But since I sat down and opened this thick slab of a textbook, my mind has wandered everywhere but to the text on the pages.

 _Tatsumi Souichi_.

His name resonates in my mind. Sometimes, I glance over to where I'd seen him sitting that day, looking disheveled and exhausted but still oh so handsome. How could someone still look so attractive with bags under their eyes? Such radiant beauty that transcends both femininity and masculinity. I mean, there's no mistaking that he's a man with his well-sculpted cheekbones, broad shoulders, and slender hips, yet, he radiates a certain delicacy. I've heard from many sources that that "delicacy" I perceive is nothing more than an illusion and he's a monster of a mad man. And most likely straight.

I sigh and try to focus on the words on the page. There is no-one else in the library save for the librarian, a short fat pretty woman who's more than happy to spend time outside of her class getting paid to be on Twitter all day. She sometimes looks up from her phone to check to make sure that I'm doing all right, we exchange smiles and she returns to her phone's screen.

Maybe it's best if I go home? I mean, all I've done is sit here and think of Tatsumi-senpai. Actually, to be honest, the only reason I'm here is because I wanted to see him again. There are only two places I've seen him regularly – the Agricultural Department labs and the library. Am I pathetic? I feel like a stupid puppy following him around the place, admiring him from afar and hoping he doesn't notice how enamored I am by him. I've spoken to him once or twice but he never seems interested in me (then again, he doesn't seem interested in anyone).

I close the book and it slams shut, startling the poor woman. I give her an apologetic wave and she waves back. It's a good thing I live so close by, or else staying out this late would be a problem.

Oh crap! I forgot to document the growth speed for a culture in my dish. I'd spent so long in the library that I'd completely neglected my course project. If that culture dies out, I'll have to redo the entire darn thing and be behind the rest of the class. I quickly get myself together and dash over to the Agriculture Department, I guess being in love makes you forget even the most basic things. I'd kept reminding myself that I had to do it before I left my apartment this morning. Thank goodness the labs are always open.

As I near the Agriculture Department, I am pleasantly surprised to see the light on in one of the labs. Tatsumi-senpai always stays late to do research; if he doesn't graduate top of his class I'm suing Nagoya University. I stop in front of the door briefly and contemplate knocking. Would it be rude for me to interrupt him? I mean, what would I even say? (He isn't a man of a lot of words). I clear my throat and knock softly on the door. It doesn't matter, if he asks, I'll just lie and say I thought this was the lab where I'd kept my culture, any excuse just to see his face today.

Suddenly, I hear a loud thud, a very loud thud. Like someone falling over. My heart skips a beat – did something happen? I reach to slide the door open but before I can, it opens of its own accord and standing in front of me is Tatsumi-san. Some of his hair has been pulled out of his signature ponytail, his pants are undone, his shirt is missing a few buttons, and there is an expression on his face that I've never seen before. All the color has drained from his face, he looks crushed and defeated, more importantly, there is red on his hands. Behind him, Associate Professor Miyoshi lays on the floor screaming in pain and clutching his blood-soaked knee.

Tatsumi-san and I lock eyes for a brief moment but his well with tears and he pushes past me and runs off. I call out to him but he doesn't respond. Confused and unsure of what to do, I dash over to Professor Miyoshi, "What happened?"  
Professor Miyoshi pushes me away. "Don't touch me!" he yells, "That brute fucking stabbed me in the knee."

"Tatsumi-san?" What? I've heard of Tatsumi-san being a violent and temperamental man. But never would I have thought… and why was his face so pale? He looked so scared. He couldn't have.

Professor Miyoshi grabs me, "If you tell anyone what you just saw, I will kill you."

"Kill me?"

"Yes! You saw nothing! And if anyone asks, Tatsumi-san is the one who lead me on. He's the one who said I could do whatever I wanted to his body."

I suddenly realize what happened behind the door. I understand the meaning behind the loud thud from earlier. I understand Tatsumi-san's pale face.

"You bastard." The words come out of my mouth shaking and unthreatening. I want to sound as angry as I feel but I can't. How dare this man commit such a heinous act? I remember what Coach Kurou did to me when I was in middle school and how dirty I felt after… how dirty I still feel now. My body begins to tremble and before I can stop myself, I punch Miyoshi square in the face. I punch him so hard that he falls backwards and I fall on top of him. He screams in pain and I punch him again and again until my fist feels numb, my head is screaming, and my heart is beating so hard that it makes me throw up.

I abandon the man and head out to find Senpai, I know which way he went but I don't know which room he's in. My mind is a jumble of thoughts. What should I do when I find him? What should I say? Is he OK? What did Miyoshi do to him? Should I call the police? Just what…

I run up and down the whole building searching for him. I know that he doesn't know me and he may never even know me, but I just want to be there for him right now. I just want to help him. I don't want him to have to deal with what just happened alone. Because I know how painful it is do deal with things like that alone.

I don't know how long I've been searching. My breathing is heavy and my body is weak. I collapse next to a storage closet. Why did this have to happen to him? Nobody deserves to be violated like that. I feel tears in my eyes and I can't stop myself from thinking back to what happened in middle school. God please, let me find him, let him know that he doesn't have to deal with this alone.

Faint sobbing. I hear faint sobbing. Coming from the storage closet. Is that him? I open the door slowly and find Tatsumi-senpai on the floor.

"Tatsumi-senpai," I say softly. He looks so fragile. So broken down.

"Who are you?"

"Morinaga. I'm just an underclassman. In the Agriculture Department, just like you."

"Could you please leave me alone?"

"But you're crying."

He looks up at me and says very plainly, "Sometimes, men cry in the dark."

Unable to bear seeing him like this, I wrap my arms around him and give him a hug. I rub his back slowly, "I'm here for you."

He cries into my shoulder and I just sit there with him, heartbroken that he's had to endure something so terrible.


	6. Spark {Souichi}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Sexual assault.
> 
> Two chapters in one day... 2,822 words in one day. Writing is so hard... pulling crap out of thin air and making it coherent for other people is not easy.
> 
> Any aspiring writers on here who get told that writing is easy and they should just suck it up and get on with it should know this - writing takes times and motivation, and don't worry, you can do it!
> 
> Anyways, about the story. This was a hard chapter to write. This is a hard story to write. Is anyone even reading this thing anymore?

_How did it come to this? Honestly, why did this happen? I feel pathetic, relishing the embrace of another man, crying into his shoulder, and hoping that somehow, he will help take away this pain that I'm feeling._

Morinaga offered to let me stay in his apartment since I missed the last train home. I sit on the floor of his apartment fresh out of the bath with my hair still wet. I'm wearing his gigantic clothes since I don't have anything else to wear.

"Sorry I don't have anything smaller," he says with a sad smile.

I shake my head, "No that's OK. Thank you for letting me stay over and for…" My sentence trails off. I do not want to talk about it. I do not know how to talk about it. I do not even know if I'll ever talk about it.

I've been avoiding eye contact since I got here. I don't want him to see what I'm going through, it's best if I kept that to myself. After this, I'll disappear, he'll forget about me. It's already eating me inside that he's seen this much of me. That he knows what happened.

"Would you like anything to eat?"

"Eat?" I scoff, "I feel like I'm going to throw up. I felt that way all the way here. I'll probably feel that way tomorrow as well."

Morinaga sits next to me. I give him space. I don't want to be touched right now. I want to be alone. I wish I could sleep in my own bed, in my own room, alone and away from the rest of the world. I texted Kanako to tell her I wouldn't be coming home tonight. It would have been better to call her but I don't think I would be able to speak to her without breaking down. I can hardly keep myself together right now.

"Tatsumi-senpai?"

Morinaga's voice feels so close yet so far away. I'm hyperaware of his presence. It feels like he's sitting so close to me. I've never been good with people. They make me feel uneasy. I never know how to read the flow of other's emotions or feelings. I've always classified myself as socially awkward – people don't understand me and I don't understand them, the best option has always been for me to isolate myself and focus on what I do understand – science. I thought that if I buried myself in the thing that brought me comfort, I would find the meaning in my life that I've been searching for, yet, in the one place I call my refuge, with the person I thought would help me attain my goals… life's not fair. People aren't fair. I can still feel Miyoshi's hands all over my body, the way his sweaty hands slid all over my chest. The feel of his arousal against my hips. His tongue all over my lips and skin. His teeth sinking into the soft flesh of my neck.

"Tatsumi-senpai? Are you alright?"

Oh my goodness. Why? Now I'm crying in this underclassman's apartment. I'm sure he's laughing at me in his head. The same way people would laugh at me when I cried in middle school because I wasn't manly enough like all the other boys. Like the way people thought it was funny that I cried so much after my mother's death. Because boys don't cry. No matter what happens. Boys must never cry. Yet here I am, sitting in on a stranger's floor, bawling like a baby.

Morinaga places a hand on my shoulder, "Would you like a hug?"

I look up at him. We lock eyes for the first time since he found me in the storage closet. He has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. They're so brown. So intense yet so soft and caring, almost like a puppy's. I immediately recognize him – he's the one from the library; the one who'd taken off when I caught him staring. I'd thought he was weird, but if it hadn't been for him distracting Professor Miyoshi, I wouldn't have been able to escape.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I collect myself long enough to ask.

His face turns light pink, "Because I care about you."

"You don't even know me!"

Morinaga recoils. Maybe I'd yelled too loudly? He takes a deep breath, "I know I don't know you. I'd like to but if you don't want to, that's perfectly fine. But I couldn't leave you alone to deal with what happened all by yourself."

"Why not?"

"Because something similar happened to me when I was younger."

My face falls. Waves of guilt waft over me. I thought he was just being nosy but he was just showing empathy. I honestly suck at this. My past is rife with situations like this – I misread people's meanings and stick my foot in my mouth. It's things like this that make me want to avoid people as best I can.

"I'm sorry," I say softly.

Morinaga hands me a tissue, "Why are you apologizing? You've done nothing wrong."

I take the tissue and dab at my cheeks, "I should have been more sensitive."

"It's not your fault. I mean, you've just had something horrible happen to you." He pauses. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I give him a firm, "No."

Morinaga stares me down with his huge eyes but I refuse to give in to his gaze. He leaves the room and returns with a large family-sized bag of chips. He offers me some but I decline – the feeling of nauseas is still there (although, speaking to Morinaga is helping it ease up a little).

"When do you want to go to bed?" he asks.

I shrug, "I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep."

"You can have my bed and I'll sleep on the floor."

"You don't have to do that."

"But I want to."

"Why?"

"Like I said, something similar happened to me. And I care about you."

He eats a potato chip and chews it very slowly while staring blankly at the coffee table in front of us. He then looks at me, "I don't know exactly what's going on in your head but I know that it's OK to experience shame and guilt about what happened."

I turn my back to him. I don't want him knowing how I'm feeling. That's none of his business. That's nobody's business.

He continues, "When I was in middle school, my gym teacher touched me. This happened after he found out I was gay. He said I deserved it."

I gripped myself tightly. Another gay man. So that's why he was staring at me in the library. And that's why he acting so caring. Because he probably wants to do the exact same thing Professor Miyoshi just did. I feel myself begin to shake, "I don't want to spend the night anymore."

There's a pause. I'm still turned away from Morinaga. Finally he asks, "Is it because I'm gay?"

I don't hesitate, "Yes."

Another pause, "I understand, should I call a taxi? I'll pay for it if you'd like."

I finally turn to face him, "You're being so fucking annoying! You don't need to do anything for me. I don't need your help." My voice trails off. "I don't need anyone. Not anymore."

I curl into a ball and bury my face in the carpet. Why did he have to be gay? I was just starting to warm up to him. I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up in the first place. People live to disappoint you.

I feel Morinaga's hand on my back. I shock myself by not flinching at his touch. His hands are warm. He starts to slowly rub my back, the same way he'd done when he hugged me in the storage closet. Even more surprising, I don't want his to stop. There is something unusually calming about his touch. It is nothing like how Professor Miyoshi had grabbed me and forced me under me. Morinaga's large hands are gentle and steady, nothing like Professor Miyoshi's.

"Should I still call a taxi?"

I shake my head, "Just don't touch me when I'm sleeping."

I sit down and stare at the coffee table. "I'm sorry about what happened to you in middle school."

Morinaga chuckles nervously. He's probably doing it to reassure me, to show me that I shouldn't be sad. "I've found ways of dealing with what happened."

I pause and think. "Do you think there'll ever be a time when you don't have to deal with it?"

Morinaga gives me a sad smile, "I'm sorry."

I look at him and say, " I think I'll take that hug."


	7. After {Tetsuhiro}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've decided to finish this series by either the end of this month or the beginning of the next. I started this fan fiction in 2014 and abandoned it for so long. Thank you to everyone who's been reading it.

_Senpai slept in my bed that night. I gladly took the floor, I didn't need him feeling threatened by my presence – he'd already been through enough._

_I can remember laying on the futon, staring up at the ceiling and just thinking of what I'd done to Miyoshi; he deserved much worse after what he'd done to Tatsumi-senpai. My skin crawled and suddenly I felt nauseous. In the quiet, my thoughts screamed louder, my head was a mess, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fall asleep._

_Tatsumi-senpai, will you be alright?_

It turns out that Professor Miyoshi put in his letter or resignation the morning after the incident. According to Yamaguchi, the whole campus has been abuzz with the news and members of the Agriculture Department are exceedingly puzzled by the weird behavior. Of course there are going to be a lot of questions asked – Miyoshi had to spend the night in the hospital because of the stab to his knee and people really want to know the origin of such a peculiar injury.

I haven't seen Senpai since the night he spent in my apartment. I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to completely avoid me considering that I'm gay. He told me he didn't want to have to deal with another situation like what happened with Professor Miyoshi, I don't blame him. It's hurtful to think that he believes that all gay men are inclined to commit sexual assault, but who am I to question his method of protecting himself? After what happened with Coach Kurou, I completely avoided being alone in gym locker rooms. I still do it today.

Despite his stance on me, I still care about him and I'm worried about him. I hadn't asked him if he planned on bringing the issue forward and trying to persecute Professor Miyoshi. I can remember reading somewhere that you have to give survivors of sexual assault space to make decisions for themselves and find their own path to healing. But I want to be there for him. I don't want him to have to go through this ordeal on his own. God knows that I would have liked someone… anyone to have been there for me. Senpai has the reputation of being a loner… I wonder if he's going to tell anyone about what happened…


	8. Help {Souichi}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap this is the longest chapter I've ever written for this fan fic.

I've taken it upon myself to avoid Morinaga at all costs. It's already deathly embarrassing that he's seen me cry my eyes out, how much worse would it be if our friendship were to blossom because of _that_ horrible incident? I don't want to be reminded that the only reason I met him is because I was almost raped by Professor Miyoshi. I'd prefer it if everyone and everything associated with that event was banished into oblivion. I don't want to think about it right now. I don't want to think about it ever.

I didn't go to university for a week after what happened. I know that Morinaga was definitely worried about me. Before I left his apartment, he asked me if I'd like it if we exchanged contact info and I firmly declined his offer. He looked hurt by my curtness but I tried not to care. I don't like Morinaga – he smiles through everything and comes off as a person who believes that things will eventually work out. I guess it's because he's still a kid – he doesn't understand how horrible people can be, how horribly they can treat you for no reason other than their own sick pleasure.

I keep thinking back to what he said about being molested in middle school. Did he make that story up? I can't tell. One thing I do know is that sometimes people will try their hardest to get close to you just so they can use and abuse you. Just like Professor Miyoshi did.

I wake up every morning feeling like something is eating me inside. I wouldn't necessarily call my dreams nightmares. The last one I had involved me and Professor Miyoshi.

As did the previous one.

And the one before that.

And the one before that.

But honestly, I think I'm dealing with this ordeal fairly well. I mean, I've managed to not disclose what happened to Kanako or Matsuda-san. Nobody knows except for me, Morinaga, and Professor Miyoshi. Nobody else needs to know. I don't want anyone else to know. I will carry this the same way I carried my mother's death. Unfailing and unfaltering, like a real man should.

* * *

My sleep schedule has become erratic – I find myself wide awake at night and exhausted during the day. I can hardly get out of my room these days. I manage to keep up with the more important deadlines – turning in projects, giving progress reports – but everything else doesn't seem to be too high a priority to me. What's wrong with me?

* * *

A professor recommended I see the school psychiatrist. I'd come in to the university to turn in an assignment and she'd refused to let me leave her office until I agreed to follow her down to the school doctor's office.

"Tatsumi-kun," she says during our walk there, "You look horrible! I refuse to let one of my favorite students go through a trying time alone! I heard from your other professors that you've been missing classes, you're our star pupil, what will we do if you fail?"

I can't think of anything else to say to her so I shake my head, "Sorry, Kaede-san."

She folds her arms, "You've been acting weird since Professor Miyoshi put in his resignation letter. I know you used to study under him. Are you upset that he's leaving?"

I flinch at her question. Why did she have to mention him? Kaeda-san is the blunt voice of reason of the Agriculture Department. She's considered one of the more colorful and insightful people in the sea of old geezers called academia, she's always been nice to me but her crassness often scares me. However, she genuinely looks concerned for my well-being right now, despite how I feel about her methods.

* * *

"So Tatsumi-kun," says the tall skinny woman, "How are you today?"

The woman, Dr. Ito, looks down at a chart and back up to me. She has on very thin glasses and her face is full of concern. This is the psychiatrist I've been assigned because of Kaede-san's persistence. I've been seeing her twice a week for two weeks and our sessions usually consist of her trying to get me to talk and me desperately refusing to do so. I'm only here to stop Kaede-san from making a big deal of this - she told me that if I refused to speak to someone, she would request that my professors force me to take a short leave.

Dr. Ito cocks her head to the side, as she usually did whenever was trying to learn the inner workings of my mind. Her eyes share almost the same intensity as someone else... someone who's probably been really worried about me, yet I've been avoiding him... I wonder if Morinaga still thinks of me. He probably does. I wonder if he looks down on me for what happened.

"I see you're not going to talk today as well," Dr. Ito takes off her glasses and places them on her head. It was an odd thing that she did.

I shake my head and sink further into my seat. Dr. Ito's office is always warm and comfortable. To be honest, I look forward to being here and seeing her. I just don't want to talk about what happened...

"Tatsumi-kun. Have you ever been in love?"

I look at Dr. Ito in disbelief and a light blush forms on my face. In love? I don't have time for trivial things such as love! What the heck? The only people I need to love are my family. My family and... and why did I just think about the time when Morinaga and I locked eyes in his apartment. And how much comfort I got from him rubbing my back...

Dr. Ito continues, "Love is an amazing thing is it not? How it can make you feel like you can conquer anything."

"Love is just a chemical, we give it meaning by choice," I say softly to myself.

Dr. Ito's mouth hangs open, "I finally got you to speak!" She smiles at me and I look away. Why is she so happy? And why does it irritate me so much? It reminds me of how nice Morinaga was especially after I treated him with such insensitivity.

"So Tatsumi-kun," Dr. Ito interrupts me thoughts, "You seem so deep in thought, care to share what's on your mind. Did my question maybe spark a memory."

"How can you tell I was lost in thought?" I finally cave in, I guess today is the day I hold a conversation with Dr. Ito.

Dr. Ito shrugs and sets the chart in her hands on the wooden table to her right. She takes her glass off her head and puts them back on her face then interlocks her fingers, "I don't know. I guess," she pauses and thinks, "You're a very easy person to read, but at the same time, it's almost impossible to tell what's on your mind."

"Isn't that the whole point of being a man. What good would I be if just anyone could tell how I felt."

Dr. Ito chuckles, "Tatsumi-kun, if people could tell how you felt they would be able to help you better. Just because our society emphasizes making men unfeeling doesn't mean that it's right or even healthy."

Dr. Ito, despite being maybe two generations away from me, has far too much of an open mind for my tastes. Maybe her study of psychology has softened her mind to the actual ways of the world. Or maybe she was just born with that way of thinking. She probably advocates that men should be able to cry. I want to be able to cry. But men don't cry. They cry in the dark where nobody can see them ... like I'd told Morinaga that night. I sigh. Sitting here has helped me do nothing. All I do is think about Morinaga every few minutes. I look to the clock and pray for time to move faster so I can get out of here.

Dr. Ito notices my fixation on her wall clock, "You know you can leave earlier if you really don't want to be here."

"Kaede-san will find out if I do. And I don't want to be forced to take a leave when I'm not sick."

Dr. Ito picks up the chart and scribbles something quickly, "She's only worried about you. You know that? I'm worried about you as well. It's been two weeks and you've still not told me anything. And from what I've heard from Kaede-san, you've been acting so weird."

I finally snap, "That's nobody's business! If I want to keep secrets then so be it. I'm a twenty year old man, I don't have time to give in to stupid emotions."

Dr. Ito 's rests her chin on her fist, "Well I'm glad you finally let yourself feel your anger."

I stare back at her, puzzled. Why isn't she mad at me? I just yelled at her in her own office. She's a much older woman, most likely just a little younger than Matsuda-san, yet she isn't lashing at me for my disrespectful behavior. I stand up, apologize with a slight bow, and head out the room, embarrassed by my sudden outburst.

* * *

The next session starts like nothing had happened on Monday. Dr. Ito greets me with her usual kind face and warm touches. Her office is still the same comfortable and quiet room filled with heavy textbooks and garnished with wooden furniture. Nothing has changed except for my temperament. Dr. Ito offers me a seat, as she usually does when I take too long to sit down and get settled but I decline her offer and remain standing.

"Tatsumi-kun?" Dr Ito inquires, "What's the matter?"

I bow sharply, "Please forgive me for what happened on Monday. It was disrespectful of me to yell at you like that."

I want to look up to see Dr. Ito's reaction but I hold my bow. What I'd done to her had been eating at me for the past couple of days. Dr. Ito's soft pleasant laughter fills the room. I raise my head slowly and find that she's wearing her usual warm smile.

"Tatsumi-kun, you don't need to apologize. I'm just glad you were able to finally feel your anger."

Puzzled, I raise my eyebrows. What does she mean by "feel my anger?" She'd mentioned it on Monday after I'd yelled at her but I can't really understand. She gestures for me to have a seat and I oblige. She then explains.

"Tatsumi-kun, I can tell you're someone who bottles in his feelings. You're far too hard on yourself and you're trying too hard to project this persona that's hurting you. You really need to allow yourself to feel sad. To feel angry. To feel anything."

I shrink into my seat after Dr. Ito's short speech. I don't like people dissecting me like this. I hate talking to people about my feelings. I immediately begin to regret ever running into Kaede-san two weeks ago. But more importantly, I regret ever thinking that I could trust Professor Miyoshi. He's the real root of all my problems right now. Or is it me?

"Tatsumi-kun, you're crying."

The tears streaming down my cheeks take me by surprise. I hide my face and wipe them away with my sleeve but they're persistent. I feel a gnawing pain in my chest, one that I cannot ignore like the others. I try to stop the sobbing before it starts but there's nothing I can do from preventing the wave of sadness from overtaking me. Now I am crying in Dr. Ito's office. How pathetic. I am beside myself. I cannot stop my tears from flowing and I cannot pull myself together. I pour out everything within me with my tears and exhaust myself. Finally, when my crying dies down I apologize for forcing Dr. Ito to witness such a pathetic display.

Dr. Ito shakes her head, "No Tatsumi-san, thank you." She gestures to the tissue box that's been sitting on the table next to. I'd never noticed it before. I nod my head in thanks and start dabbing my red tear-stained face.

Dr. Ito continues, "I'm very happy that you finally let yourself cry."

"But men aren't supposed to cry!" I protest.

"Men are human beings and human beings all cry. I know that something horrible happened to you and it's OK for you to have feelings about it. I just want you to know that you're safe with me."

"Thank you," I whimper.

Dr. Ito takes off her glasses and places them on her head, like she usually does. Her predictability, although uncanny, makes me feel oddly safe. I sigh. Maybe Kaede-san was right after all.

"So Tatsumi-kun, is there anyone outside of here that you feel you can talk to?"

Before she even finishes her sentence, Morinaga's face pops into my head. My already red face suddenly feels warm, but it's a different sort of warmth. I'm glad that Dr. Ito cannot tell that I'm blushing. Or can she?

I clear my throat, "I might have someone... but it's a guy!"

Dr. Ito looks taken aback, "So?"

I had a feeling she'd say something like that. Dr. Ito shares too many similarities with Kaede-san... maybe that's why Kaede-san wanted me to go to her specifically.

Dr. Ito sighs, "If the reason you're so against talking to a guy friend is because you're scared of being 'gay' just remember this - it's not about being gay or straight, it's about having deep and sincere feelings for someone who really cares about you and reciprocates these feelings." She cocks her head to the side as if proud of her statement.

I almost jump in my seat, "But gay men are the worst! They think only about their immediate sexual self-gratification," the memories started flooding back, "I'd prefer if they all just died."

Dr. Ito thinks for a minute then looks down at her hands, "Well, I know a lot of heterosexual men who do the exact same thing and are praised for it in our society. Should they all die as well?"

I mumble, "They're different."

"No I don't think so. The harm they do is the same."

I stare down at my hands. I had never thought of it that way. I'd been so caught up demonizing Morinaga for what happened to me. Now I feel like a jerk , especially since  he'd been the one to rescue me.

Dr. Ito searches my face for a response but I don't say anything. She then looks at the clock and back at me, "I guess I've gotten as far as I can with you today."

I nod, "Yeah."

I leave Dr. Ito's office with a slightly clearer head.


	9. Love? Maybe {Tetsuhiro}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that, this mess reaches its thrilling anti-climatic conclusion. Hehehe. Thanks to everyone that read this.

_I finally saw Tatsumi-senpai again. He was leaving the Student Health Center. His face was a little flushed with a faraway look, he looked different from how I remember him. He didn't see me, or maybe he did, I don't know. He looked like he was in a hurry and he disappeared down the hall. I wanted to call out to him. I wanted to ask him if everything was OK. To tell him that I'd do anything to help him get back on his feet if he needed it but I kept my distance – I didn't want to impose my feelings on him._

* * *

I never would have realized just how dull the Nagoya University campus was with Tatsumi-san's presence. It's not that he was the center of attention or anything but I can feel that something's missing… someone's missing… and it pains me deeply.

Nobody knows about the Professor Miyoshi incident and at Tatsumi-senpai's request, I will keep it that way. Professor Miyoshi is long gone now, just a shadow in the past, something to linger in the nightmares and daydreams of those he has hurt. I know Senpai is hurting. How could he not be hurting? His usual lab is almost always empty and the fervor with which he did his experiments is seemingly gone.

Tatasumi-senpai. I miss you.

* * *

On my way to one of my classes, I notice the light on in Tatasumi-senpai's lab. It's one of the few occasions that he's been there – I pass by it every day when I need to get to my class. Something in my mind screams that I should walk away and leave him to his whiles – our relationship ended once I told him I was gay – but I am as stubborn as I am forthright. I knock lightly and open the door before I receive a reply.

Tatasumi-senpai is leaning on one of the tables staring into space, his long ponytail hangs over his right shoulder. My sudden arrival is what knocks him back to reality.

"Who?" he asks at first, "Morinaga-kun. Did you knock?"

I nod slowly, "Yes. Yes I did."

Tatsumi-senpai takes off his glasses and rubs his face, "Sorry. I didn't hear." He sighs, "What can I help you with?"

His voice lacks the conviction I remember. He sounds tired and very much so. Not the man I fell in love with. No, this is the shell of Tatasumi-senpai, struggling to keep up with the life that Tatsumi-senpai left behind. I know this because I've been there. It's a devastatingly lonely place to be.

"Tatsumi-senpai, I'm worried about you."

He scoffs, "Join the party."

"What do you mean?"

He puts his glasses back on, "You're not the only one. And quite frankly, a lot of you have become really meddlesome."

I move closer to him, "But Tatsumi-senpai, you need help. I want to help you."

"How? By trying to stick your dick up my ass?"

I take a step back, shocked by his brash statement.

Tatasumi-senpai sighs and scratches his head, "I'm sorry. That was a horrible thing to say."

I shake my head, "It's OK. I understand why you said that."

"Are you sure you do?"

"To the best of my ability."

The two of us stand and stare at each other. Tatsumi-senpai is expressionless. It's almost like he cannot tell where or when he is.

"Tatsumi-san."

He jumps at the sound of my voice. Completely taken at unawares.

"Tatsumi-san. I would never do anything to hurt you. I just want you to know that."

Tatasumi-senpai turns away and folds his arms, "What good is what you're telling me? If it's about wanting me to seek help then I'm already seeing a therapist. So you don't have to worry about me anymore. Please, stop worrying about me."

I set my backpack down on the ground and wrap my arms around him. He jumps and pushes me away.

"What the hell! Don't touch me!"

I immediately let got and back away, "I'm sorry. You looked like you needed a hug. I'm sorry."

"I don't need anything right now but for you to stop worrying about me."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because I love you Tatsumi-senpai. I love you and it breaks my heart to see you like this."

There, I said it. Is he happy now? I've been trying to avoid using the 'love' word. I've tried to pretend to myself that this is nothing more than a crush. Who could I ever love more than I loved Masaki? I've wrestled with my feelings for him for so long, jumping between being happy to have found someone I adore so much and being guilty that I've so easily abandoned Masaki-san. Masaki had been the champion of my heart only for him to break it into a thousand pieces.

Tatsumi-senpai and I lock eyes for what feels like eternity. Suddenly he bursts out laughing and falls to knees.

"Tatsumi-senpai?" I ask, unsure of what is happening. Honestly, this is the first time I've ever seen Tatasumi-senpai laugh that loudly. It's the first time I've ever seen him laugh at all. His laugh, it calms me.

I kneel next to him, "Tatsumi-san?"

Finally, he collects himself, "Sorry, Morinaga-kun. It's just, love. What is love, you know? A choice? A feeling? "

I sit on the floor, "Love can be anything, I guess. Each person defines what they think about it. Maybe it's a choice. A painful choice."

Tatsumi-san looks into my eyes, "And so you love me? This mess of a man? You choose to love a man who is so weak he cries. A man who is so weak that he has people worrying about him? So weak that he cannot pull himself back together after something as little as..."

I do not let him finish speaking. I refuse to let him degrade himself any further. I pull him close into a hug and refuse to let go. This time he doesn't push me away, he hugs me back. He squeezes me tightly. Senpai, why are you so hard on yourself? Can't you see how amazing you are? How much you inspire me? Senpai, please, why can't you love yourself as much as I love you?

* * *

"Morinaga-kun?"

"Yes Senpai."

"Why do I find myself so drawn to you?"

I chuckle. We are both sitting on the floor or my apartment staring at the television screen but not paying a lick of attention to what's been said. Ever since my love confession to him at the lab, he's been acting warmly and friendly with me. We've started hanging out and I'm happy to say we've become very close friends now. He asked me if I'd like to become his research assistant and I happily agreed to do so. We've spent a lot of time together and I've finally come to learn why he's always so hard on himself – he feels like being a man in our world means having to eat all your emotions and as the elder brother he feels even more pressure to conform to what's expected of him.

Senpai often tells me that I'm the only one that he feels comfortable talking about stuff with. He hasn't given me a response to my confession but I don't mind – I just like being able to spend time with him.

Tatsumi-san clears his throat, "Morinaga, can I tell you a secret?"

I nod enthusiastically, "Of course."

Senpai takes a deep breath, "Have you ever wondered why I don't cut my hair? I'm sure people see me in the street and wonder, 'why does the grown man have such long hair?' It obviously isn't a fashion statement – I'm the least trendy person you'll ever meet – "

I can't help but laugh, I love how blunt and upfront Senpai is about things. I wouldn't call him unfashionable, I mean – the man looks good no matter what he wears, so why bother putting even more effort into his already amazing appearance?

Senpai continues, "Well, I have a very sensitive scalp. Just the slightest tug can send me spiraling in pain. My mother," he pauses and takes another deep breath, "my mom was the only one I ever allowed to touch my head. She was the only who understood. I've let Kanako-chan cut my bangs but I will never let her give me a full haircut."

Senpai lets out a sigh of relief. I place my hand on his knee, "I'm sorry Senpai. I've never lost a parent before. If you ever want to talk about her, I'm here for you."

Senpai gives me a sad smile, "Thanks Morinaga."

We go back to pretending to watch TV. Then Senpai abruptly says, "I think I wouldn't mind it if you gave me a haircut."

Senpai's face turns bright red and I chuckle – he looks so unbelievably cute.

Senpai slams his fist into the floor, "What's so funny?"

With a smile on my face, I slowly run my fingers through his hair, "Nothing. Nothing at all."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Ours](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1381792) by [Chocobonana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chocobonana/pseuds/Chocobonana)




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